Port Summerville- A little warning if you move here

A little warning if you decide to move to Port Summerville, make sure you are healthy and have plenty of homeowner’s insurance.
 
Most small communities like Port Summerville only have a volunteer fire department, so if your house ever catches on fire—good luck! By the time they drag the volunteers out of the bars or wherever, the only thing left to do is call the insurance adjuster and build a new house.
 
If you’ve ever been diagnosed with a chronic illness and think you are having a problem, you might as well shoot yourself in the head and get it over with. The result will be the same, except for some blood and a hint of brain matter. If you think the EMS will save your ass, and to no surprise, you will be sadly mistaken, post-mortemly speaking. If you experience a heart attack, by the time they get to you, you’re already stiff as a board. Flies are swarming all around and snacking on you for brunch, then you become an incubator for their offspring.
 
Before rigor mortis has reached its final peak of stiffness, your stuff starts getting parted out by the relatives, and whatever’s left that hasn’t been pillaged, is off to Goodwill. So all that remains, (pardon the pun), is a loving memory and a will. As far as Port Summerville having three leading economies, I failed to mention another one; funeral homes. We have three, and business is good. The moral of the story is, at the first sign of anything twitching or aching, no matter how inconspicuous, I don’t care if you’ve got a hangnail, head to the emergency room, and while you’re at it, get a longer water hose.

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